and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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