Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
