I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
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