I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
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