I hope mine doesn't look like that
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
