I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
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So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
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Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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