Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Who died my cat blue again?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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