We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
