had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
