Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
