There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
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You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
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Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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