So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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