just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
