All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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