Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
