Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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