Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
