I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
