please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
