So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
