tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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