I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
