ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
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