nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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