i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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