I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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