do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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