I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
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I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
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He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
You are the jesus of drinking
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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