apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
