I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
