I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
