my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
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The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
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Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
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