I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
