It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
