You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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