I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
