is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
