brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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