The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
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Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
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