I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
