Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Randomize
