I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
