The maid of honor just puked.
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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