You're completely useless in the revolution.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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