My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize