If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
