He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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