Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
