Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
