remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
