he wants to bone in the snuggie
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
