Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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