This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
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