just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
