I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
