I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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