I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
