he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
