I'm really into asian looking animals
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
