I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
