Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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