filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
